People tell me I think too much, and that causes problems. Wrong, if you stop thinking about something before you can find a positive answer, then you haven't thought enough. I'm a problem solver, son. so I think a lot. Now onto a few things:
As most of the important people I talk to regularly know, I've been cutting my time with my cellular device. If I'm somewhere, like work, there is a phone you can reach me in case of emergency, I am leaving my phone at home. If I'm out with friends, I am actually out with friends, not checking my Facebook after asking how they have been. These things have only been adding to the epic nose dive I've had in my mentality and attitude lately. Not only Facebook and my phone, but I'm cutting people too.
I'm standing here, after doing the cha cha of forward and backward steps, in almost the same spot I feel I found myself a year ago, only slightly worse for wear….I haven't slept unassisted for about 3 months, I've gained 10 pounds even though for the past few months I'm sick almost every day, and to top it off, my hair is falling out. Its no one's fault but my own that I stopped taking care of myself. It's a roller coaster, I have days where I want to just sit in the shower and cry, and other days where I could run around the planet screaming about how fucking amazing I am and I can do anything I put my mind to. Everyone has highs and lows, everyone fights their own demons. But it's come to my attention that those demons we fear or fight, the ones in our head….well, they didn't come from nowhere. I've come to realize that our demons come from very real sources, we don't imagine them. Our demons…well, they're people. Whether it be celebrities, the media, enemies, family, or people we consider our friends. The biggest demons we'll ever fight are our friends. The people that are closest to us, know us best, the people we think we can trust. Those people that ever so carefully place that thought in your head, barely noticeable at first, but then growing into something evil. something we twist into "you aren't good enough" "you aren't smart enough" "you'll never make it" "You aren't pretty or attractive enough" and the list goes on. But the way they do it, oh it's so clever. A wolf in sheep's clothing….they do it without saying a word. The I love you with a hug, while they stick a knife in your back. Don't get me wrong, some people outright say it, to you, or behind your back, but the ones you have to watch out for are the ones who do it with their actions. They are a walking contradiction, saying one thing while their actions do the complete opposite. When people say actions speak louder than words, it's a very true and real statement. You can say you will always be there for someone, but when push comes to shove, if you aren't there to prove it, it's just words. "I love you so much, also, I'm going to go ahead and ignore you for a week and sleep with your best friend." (dramatic I know, but you get the point). But people eventually pick up on that, some quicker than others only because some have more faith in humanity. They know who will live up to their words and who is full of it. But it takes a lot of heartache and broken promises before some people finally give up. And then all of a sudden, there it is….that little demon…you're not worthy of someone's time. Someone you thought you were close to, but time after time, you just weren't good enough for them to follow through, to actually put words into action and be there.
But the worst part is…we all do it, we are all the cause of someone else's demon at some point or another. Don't act like you are so amazing and holy and you've never hurt anyone or acted in a way that contradicted everything you tell someone…because you have, or maybe you're doing it right now. Some people do it more consciously than others, they outright want to hurt people, they're pot stirrers, some people don't, but they consistently repeat their hurtful actions without stopping to think. I can literally think of a whole 2 people I can truly trust, both of which I've known for a decade or so. Don't be all hurt if you're reading this and you don't make the list. Most of you know that it takes a lot for me to trust, because well let's face it, I trusted a lot of shitty people way too easily. But the point here is, if you can pinpoint your demons, then you can cut them loose. You'll be way happier not trying to navigate through what is the truth and what is a lie. Surround yourself with people who not only tell you something good, but back it up with their actions. And as you're doing this, pay attention to yourself as well. BE that person you want others to be for you.
I've spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out the root cause for some of my more out of character behaviors, and I keep coming back to something my wifey told me. "you aren't crazy, this is a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullshit." If someone is acting a particular way toward you, maybe(I said maybe…some people are straight up cray) it's their reaction to the way they are being treated. I'm a horrible example of what happens when you let people walk all over you. If I truly care for someone, I will counter their shitty treatment with super awesome. Oh, you slept with my friend, I made you waffles! You have been avoiding me all week, I bought you some chocolate, and I'm going to bug you until you hang out with me…..wth Chelsea, who the fuck are you becoming. You are not acting like the intelligent person you are. This is what I have been reminding myself of lately, the examples are simply that: examples, not things that are actually happening. But the last part, slapping myself in the face, and realizing I'm better than the shitty treatment I allow myself to receive sometimes, that part is true.
So as of this moment I will do my best to make sure my attitude and actions toward other people are almost always a direct reaction to the way I am being treated. If you ignore me, I'll ignore you, if you treat me like shit, guess what, sooner or later, I'm going to give up on being nice and turn around and do it to you. If you treat me like you don't want me in your life, well slowly but surely I'll be making my way to the exit and before you know it I'll be a oh I wonder what happened to her…..
So that's pretty much it, sorry not sorry for being blunt, but sometimes people need a sledgehammer to the face to realize how shitty they are, or how shitty they are letting other people be in their lives. It's impossible to be happy and optimistic 24/7, but it's a lot easier to be happy if those around you constantly support and uplift you instead of leaving you alone to fight your own battles. If you know me at all, you know I go out of my way to make people I care about happy, especially if they are having a bad day. It's one of those "do unto others" things. So stop being someone's demon and start being positive and uplifting to those you care about, if you can't do that, then you truly don't care for them at all.
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